They say dog is manís best friend, but the relationship
between a guy and his couch is a truly special one. Itís where we plant
our asses most of the time when weíre home ó itís there for you to lay
on when youíre sick and nursing a hangover, and itís there for you and
your buddies when youíre playing video games or watching ďWrestleManiaĒ
Most importantly, your couch is your own personal storage space, even
if you donít realize it, holding on to all that stuff you misplace
under its cushions like a disgusting micro-fiber vault. Here are the 10
things youíre almost guaranteed to find in the piece of furniture thatís
got your back.
1. The Remote Control
Youíve looked everywhere for it, but in the back of your mind, you
knew it was there all along. The remote control knows where itís loved,
and that place is nice and cozy between the cushions. Always look there
first, but still check the fridge just in case, you drunk.
2. Enough Change To Do Laundry
Öor to buy lunch, or maybe even pay the rent. Itís not like youíre
coming home and throwing money at your couch like a piggy bank, but
somehow it always ends up under there. Too bad the couch doesnít pay
interest, because you could be making serious bank with all the coinage
youíve been sitting on.
3. Enough Breadcrumbs For Fried Chicken
Havenít you ever heard of plates? Do you think the couch needs to
eat? Or did you just want to give the mouse family something extra? The
weird thing is that there are so many breadcrumbs. Maybe the
conditions are so right under the cushions that they come to life and
multiply ó someone should tell NASA.
4. Candy Bar Wrappers
Either you or the couch is gonna have type 2 diabetes ó donít expect
those chocolate smears to ever come out. The garbage is so close, dude.
5. The Mail
Wonder why the electricity was turned off? Or why thereís no hot
water? I thought we were friends, couch! Maybe it sees how upset bills
make us and hides them so weíll be happy. Just donít hide the birthday
cards filled with money, OK?
Even if the couch doesnít swallow all your bills, good luck paying
them without a pen. Over the years, your sofa has amassed more writing
utensils than the average school district. No wonder thereís an
7. Old Dirty Socks
You fall asleep on the couch wearing socks, you wake up wearing only
one sock and you donít even question it. Sometimes you wake up with no
socks. If and when you find a crusty old sock between the cushions, just
throw it away ó your memory ainít so great, and that crust might be
your ancient dried shame.
8. Condom Wrappers
Now this is what Iím talking íbout, baby! This is also the reason you
should never sit on another guyís couch ó the wrapper might not be the
only thing he deposited down there.
9. One Whole Tortilla Chip
Why is it always just one? And why do you still always eat it if no one is looking?
It's no secret that millions of American kids are out there playing sports. In fact, as many as 35 million American kids are playing organized sports every year.
We all know that participating in team activities can be a wonderful
for our kids. The hope is that they learn both individual and
team-building skills -- while getting some exercise! Along the way, that
team participation may even lead to the development of a life-long
interest, new friends and social opportunities.
Every step of the way, while your kids are up at bat or sitting on
the bench, there are coaches who make it all possible. Ever wonder what
they would tell you about how your behavior affects your kid's
performance and enjoyment level? To find out, I interviewed someone who
coached both boys' and girls' sports for 15 years. Wow, did I get a lot
of good information!
Here is what Dan Madieros of California had to tell me. (Thank you,
Coach!). The coach tells me that he and many of his colleagues wish
1. Cheer (but don't call the ump a chump)
Yes, it is perfectly fine for you to cheer your kids on, but it is
not OK to scream at the other team or at the umpire. You should be
modeling good sportsmanship and displaying positive energy. After all,
you are your kids' most important role model. Please don't forget this.
2. Let there be one coach only
Please do not give your kids' instructions during the game. This is
the job of the coach. You may very well confuse your children by giving
them a second set of instructions. Please, dear parents, let the coach
do his or her job.
3. Keep kids in the game
If you can avoid it, try not to remove your kids from the game before
it is over. This can be disruptive to the team and interfere with the
whole concept of teamwork.
4. Let the good times roll
Let your kids have fun and please refrain from acting like the
outcome of the game is a matter of life or death. The most important
thing that is happening on the field is that your kid is having a good
time. Please don't turn it into yet another arena for pressure.
5. Play nice (in the stands)
Your kids do want you to attend their games, but they don't want you
and your ex to be fighting in the stands. Please spare your kids this
embarrassment and humiliation.
The overall message is that your kids love having you watch their
games. They will love you even more if you do it more quietly and
cheerfully. Let's go team!
Five Disgusting Things That Are On You Right Now
Basically, youíre covered in filth and organisms RIGHT NOW.
Experts can confirm that there is a ton of gross stuff ALL OVER
Hereís a list of five gross things that are ON
YOU, that are too small to see:
1. Eyelash mites. These are basically tiny
spiders that feed off the secretions in your eyelash follicles. They
INCREASE as you get older, and you canít get rid of them. But doctors say
they wonít hurt you.
2. Fecal residue. Scientists say that no
matter how great you wipe, you never get it all. And it transfers to your
underwear. You have to wash them in hot water if you actually want them
3. Dead skin and dead-skin eaters. The top
layer of your skin is made entirely out of dead skin cells. Most of the
dust in your house is actually dead skin, and dust mites eat it.
Sometimes they even crawl ON you to eat it.
4. Toenail fungus. You can think of your
nails as tiny petri dishes that harbor MILLIONS of organisms.
5. Belly button bacteria. Basically, your
navel is a laboratory for bacteria. In a recent study, scientists found
2,000 different species in belly buttons. Most of which they couldnít
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